Vidal in Verity
Difficult Love

Adam and I broke up a long time ago by now…it was February 16th, and I had already been panicking for weeks as to how to tell him. I was struggling with my feelings. I knew I didn’t want to be romantic anymore, but I still had very real feelings of love, admiration, and affection for him. What’s more is that we’d moved in together just 2 months previously, and neither of us had the means to change our living situation right away. He, being the most gracious and understanding man on the planet, agreed that this didn’t need to be a civil war catastrophe, and we have remained roommates ever since. We didn’t have much of a choice, financially, so we agreed to be friends, respect each other, and take it one day at a time.

In the months since our break-up, I’ve learned to love and respect Adam more and more, literally by the day. He makes me happy and content like I never thought possible. Naturally, these sensations, however nice-feeling, have led to great confusion on my part. How could I feel such profound emotion and affection for him, recognize him as the man who makes me feel the happiest and most free, prioritize hanging out with him over anyone else, and STILL not want to be romantic with him??
I criticized myself harshly, and cried very hard, very often. We live harmoniously together, but it can’t go on like this forever.

A few months ago, around the same time I broke the news to him that I’ve discovered I’m bisexual and prefer open relationships, we gave each other permission to see other people. It thrilled me to take this step, not only because I’d found myself feeling nice n’ fuzzy feelings for others, but also because I wanted Adam to find someone fulfilling as well.

That being said, he told me that whoever I wanted to see, he didn’t want to know about it. That agreement, however practical, didn’t thrill me. I’ll explain why:
I embarked on new adventures feeling complete because of our conversation, but as I explored my feelings for others, for men and women alike, I started to feel like I was hiding things. I don’t know how to describe it, but I felt “sneaky.” I was aware that feelings of love were beginning to outweigh any feelings of simple lust for the new objects of my affection, but the fact that I felt like I had to withhold information from Adam in order to honor our agreement didn’t sit well with me. I knew I wasn’t lying, or worse, “cheating”…I wasn’t being deceitful, but as my feelings progressed, I struggled long and hard with the nagging need to tell Adam the whole truth; that I was not only “seeing” someone else…but was in love with someone else.

But how should/could I say that? And why, exactly, did I “need” to tell him?? And how the fuck could I possibly STILL feel so much love and affection for Adam while discovering NEW and DIFFERENT ways to love another man??

I questioned myself endlessly: Am I insane? Am I sick? Am I abnormal? Is this a pathology? Should I seek professional help? And most importantly, should I tell Adam about how I feel or would telling him dishonor our agreement? I would feel better, sure, but would that only serve me and not him? The tango of questions in my head was exhausting.

After a month or so of debating with myself, on Monday, I finally told him I’m seeing someone else. Up until the moment the words popped out of my mouth I thought about changing the course of the conversation and avoiding the topic altogether. I couldn’t…I didn’t want to go on feeling like I had to mislead him.

He took the news quietly, but gracefully, just as I expected.
I cried a flood of tears…they continued to pour down my face long after our conversation was over. I couldn’t stop repeating how much I love him. I needed him to know. I also gave him the choice to tell me not to say “I love you,” anymore, as I can only imagine how confusing hearing “I love you…and also someone else” might be for him.

In the days following that conversation, Adam and I haven’t spoken much…probably less than ever since we met 2 1/2 years ago. We set our move-out date and discussed how we’d divide some of our mutual possessions. That was painful, but necessary. It’s strange… he seems fine with my confession, but I’m still pretty broken up. As expected, telling him didn’t alleviate very much of my pain. It perhaps, in fact, intensified my fears of hurting Adam. I guess the only payoff, however limited, is that I feel slightly better knowing there is nothing left unsaid.

Holding onto the past is a terrible way to spend ‘right now.’ It’s all made-up anyway.
Love Lesson

I’m overwhelmed and feel truly sad right now. This life I’ve chosen is so freeing at times, but so difficult at others. I wish this were simple. Why am I different? Am I really that different or is being honest so hard that most other people conceal their true desires and THAT’S why I feel so alone?

I truly love, with all my heart, two very important men. I’m interested in pursuing several more men and women. That feels very natural for me. What’s upsetting is that both men who love me and are able to support me emotionally are both far away right now, for extended periods of time, and everyone else just seems like a fling… Cultivating just ONE emotionally stable and supportive relationship is hard enough, let alone trying to maintain TWO…at long distance, no less…geeeeez.

I’m learning…I need connection. I need support. I need love. I need to cry. I need acceptance. I need validation. And a few flings just don’t seem to be cutting it.

So this is my lesson: flings don’t satisfy me as much as relationships, and relationships take time. If I continue to act spoiled and impatient, I’ll continue to be disappointed with my love life.

Damn.

Tanya

I went on a date yesterday…
With a girl :)
A tall, beautiful, elegant, sweet creature who I find truly fascinating.
She is powerfully stunning, modelesque, for sure. And her life story? Holy damn…this girl has LIVED!

We met at the premiere of a short film created by the man I’ve been fucking…The same man who honored me enough to help me to unravel and realize my potential for polyamory and bi-curiosity in the first place; a man I love.

I was attracted to her instantly…so attracted to her that I had to stop talking to her because I was becoming nervous and giddy during our brief conversation.

In the weeks following, she began fucking the man I’m also fucking/loving.
I’m not jealous. In fact, it excites me.

He relayed to me, to my great intrigue, that she’s both polyamorous and bicurious…just like me!
She’d been casually contacting me since the premiere an it suddenly dawned on me…she might be attracted to me too!!!
THIS IS MY CHANCE TO BE WITH A WOMAN!!!

I’ve never had a truly bisexual encounter before, save a little debaucherous making out in my college years; pretty standard these days. In the past few years, however, I’ve found myself more-than-vaguely attracted to women, and for the past few months, that more-than-vague attraction became far more real, tangible…irresistible, in fact.

This beautiful girl, who I’ll call Tanya, and I, finally met up for coffee yesterday.
I was both nervous and giddy with excitement! We talked nonstop for 3 hours, and could’ve kept going for 3 more, but she had to leave for rehearsal. I amazed myself, truly, as I rode home on the train vibrating with a dozen beautiful fantasies about her.

I was already home for several hours before I was hit with a completely stunning realization…she’s been fucking the same guy I’m fucking…a guy I’m not only fucking, but am in love with… And I had totally forgotten!
But…shouldn’t that make me cringe with jealousy? Even make me feel malice towards her??

Hmmm…..Curious.

But I felt not a single twinge of jealousy for her. Not one single iota. What I felt for her was true affection and admiration.

Leading up to our meeting, I was consumed ONLY with thoughts of getting to know her for myself. I never pictured them in bed together, never thought of what she does when he makes her come…no. My ONLY concern was for how much I’d like to know her, and whether or not I’ll ever get the chance to make her come. Tanya is not only HIS prospect for future fun and love, but equally mine as well. There’s no need for jealousy…Our love is not a starvation economy. And I’m totally overjoyed with myself.

I feel so big and beautiful today. And whether or not Tanya ever ends up working out for me isn’t even close to the point. I have a crush on her and would love to feel her reciprocate, but she might not pick me. That will hurt a bit, but hey, that’s life.

The point is that I took a huge personal leap in who and how I love yesterday. I learned amazing details about my own pathology, and moreover, how to be fearless and generous with my own heart. I learned that, for me, “jealousy” is nothing to be feared. Not only can I embrace potentially vulnerable and scary situations with my heart, I can overcome them.

Finally, I came to this wonderful realization…that when 2 people are in love with the same person, that doesn’t mean they need to be in automatic competition with eachother. Instead, that person can be their common denominator, which creates a warm and lovely environment for unlimited personal growth.

When 2 people are in love with the same person, that’s not a competition. I prefer to think of it as a common denominator. #lovestrong
Me
I send happy thought bubbles to people who aren’t afraid to break things to get what they want.
Me
No matter where you are, wherever I am, I’m yours.
I’m done hiding.

For the first time in my adulthood I don’t feel the urge to cover myself up in t-shirts and jeans in the summer… I’m ok. I’m comfortable. I’m wearing short shorts for the first summer since 7th grade. Crazy… :)

I feel better and more confident about myself than ever before. I know someone out there will argue that I must be lying bc I wore close to nothing while shaking my ass in front of 70,000 people when I was an Eagles cheerleader…but I fucking hated that shit. It disgusted me beyond words. To be completely honest, I felt way more comfortable in my Marine Corps cami’s than anything else… ever. I loved the anonymity. I loved looking like a boy.

I know now that it was all just a big “fuck you” to anyone who found me attractive. Deep down I guess I always knew I was attractive, but by not showing anyone, by keeping it a secret all for myself, that was my way of saying “fuck you.”

I don’t need that anymore. I’ve shed 100 layers in the last 7 months and it feels divine. I touch my bare legs and they’re smooth and shapely and lovely. I don’t want to hide them…I want everyone to see them! I touch my breasts and squeeze and caress then and treat then so nicely. They appreciate it. :) I wear tank tops and low-cut shirts and push out my chest with confidence these days…the “girls” deserve it.

I feel confident. I feel fucking sexy. I feel gorgeous. I deserve it, and I will never surround myself with people who make me feel like less ever again.

I can’t stop thinking about sex!

I’m in the middle of an honest-to-God Renaissance in my life and I’m practically on fire ALL the time!

I can’t stop reading about it. I’m almost finished with this ridiculously amazing book called “The Ethical Slut” and I’m enamored by all the physical possibilities that lay before me. I want to try-on sooo much, and I have SOOOO much time to make up for!

I spent the vast majority of my adulthood avoiding intimacy, avoiding men, avoiding beds, avoiding close friends, all because I was scarred and afraid. And now I’m in awe of myself…of what I feel I’m capable. I feel sensations I never thought possible before, both in bed and out.

I feel free. And beautiful. And STRONG. There’s a new one…yeah, STRONG. :)

What Ryan did to me was so catastrophic that it not only stunted me sexually, but also in my growth as a human being. Until this past year I was completely unaware how his actions shaped my personality. I thought I was past it and that I was simply not built to be sexual, and I grow more and more amazed by the day how wrong I was…

I never thought I’d be so euphoric to have been proven so wrong. :)

This is an awakening, not an ending…

In fact it’s only the beginning. Nothing from this point forward is going to be easy. I think the eb and flow will actually become much more difficult. I’ve unraveled my personal opinions on sexuality to a certain point, but it’s not going to end there. I have a journey to travel. It includes becoming open with Adam about the attraction I’m feeling towards other people, both men and women. How do I start that talk? What will I say? Will I cry? Should I try not to cry?

He could hate me. For the worlds and worlds he means to me (and he IS my world) how will I ever express to him that he satisfies me in every other way BESIDES sexually?

He’ll hate it. It might damage him for life. But I can’t be tied down right now.

The roller coaster of the last few months has been the most difficult yet rewarding experience of my life… A true awakening. A spiritual awakening as well as a sexual awakening. A revolution, really. But how do I maintain it?

Sure, I’m still sexually frustrated, but now I finally know what I need to do to fix it. I need to embrace the fact that I want to be an ethical slut, and that’s a good and healthy, albeit brand new, thing for me…especially given my history.

But Adam….my sweet Adam… How am I ever going to break this news to him? What I’ve learned about myself? Should I even attempt to talk to him until I fully realize what this means for myself?

I just want to keep lying. I want to lie and lie and lie and lie… I never want to hurt him. I never want to damage him. After all he’s done for me and given me, the last thing I could bare would be to be the cause of some great pain.

That’s so selfish. Sooo selfish. Is it? Or is it considerate? I don’t know. I don’t want to find out. I don’t want to let him go. I want to hold onto his clothes and smell his skin and hold him tightly and bury my face in his neck and press my cheek against his. I want to hear his voice… His soothing beautiful voice. I want to see him laugh and hug his shoulders and fall over with a huge smile on his face. I want his big black eyes to blink at me. I love him. I adore him. I want it to be endless.

I feel sick.

The New Me is the Old Me, But Better

Maybe I’m giving off fun new vibes, or maybe my eyes are just finally open wide enough to see, or maybe my heart chakra is open enough to let it in…but I have been attracted to A LOT of girls lately.

Everywhere I look, there are 2 or 3 cute little bicurious-looking types within eyeshot….and they know about me!!! I swear they can smell it or feel it or God knows…but in the last month or so I’ve been flirting with way more girls than I have guys.

I like it :) I’m open to it. It’s a good thing…a great thing.

Poly-amorous…bi-curious. Wow…what a wild year this has been.

I’m ecstatic. I feel healthier and happier than I’ve ever been. Despite all the pain and confusion and frustration I’ve also been through, this is a sneak peak at some kind of reward.

I spent so much of my life beating myself down for wants and desires bc I thought they were bad. And that must have meant that I was also bad. But I’m not. I’m great. I love more. I still hurt, but I hurt less, and when I do hurt, I can take control of it and figure out why. When I know why, I can fix it.

The road is long…so long…this is never gonna be easy, but I’m walking in the right direction and I can feel it.

And the creativity is flowing…and that was the whole point! :)

Life…

Isn’t rocket science.

If it feels good, do it.

If it starts to hurt, stop it.

If the lines get blurry, slow down and back off.

Over-thinking is futile.

Good Day to You

Imagine there’s been something on your mind - something painful that’s been weighing you down - for years…

Then imagine waking up one random morning - like this morning - and realizing, in a good way, that you just don’t give a flying fuck about it anymore…

It’s a good day :)

Yesterday Was My Birthday.

It wasn’t so long ago that my only birthday wish was a day without tears, and 7 years ago, this is how it was spent:

From sunrise to sunset,
Fists clenched, knuckles white,
Wearing sweatpants and a hoodie,
Praying he wouldn’t come find me,
Begging friends to keep me safe.

But yesterday, the day played out quite differently:

From sunset til sunrise,
Full glasses raised to the sky,
Wearing fishnets and bootie shorts,
And a black, leather bustier,
Dancing the night away.

My oh my, how times have changed…

Best. Birthday. Ever.